i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
