I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
