I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
