seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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