You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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