he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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