This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
