planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
