I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
