U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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