i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
