i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
