I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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