he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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