I faked an abortion last night.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
