So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
