She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
