I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
