Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
