I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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