I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
