OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
