Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
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at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
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Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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