I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
