He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
