the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
