ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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