I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
