i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
