Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
