I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i think we sleep fucked last night...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
