doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
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Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
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Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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