I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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