I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
