cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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