i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
