Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
