She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
