Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
