he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
