I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
