So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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