No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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