I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
