And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
