I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
