I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I need a beard to bite.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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