Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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