I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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