Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
