Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
