God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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