PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
