I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
