if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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