SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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