Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
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I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
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Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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